8. BUILD YOUR OWN RECOVERY
The Jewish Lobster Prologue: Part 8
Core tension:
The conflict between the “Forever Patient” model of the 12 Steps (where you are “recovering” until you die) and the “Graduation” model (where the problem is resolved and integrated).
IN MY WORDS
“I am not an alcoholic. ‘Alcoholic’ is a noun that defines a person by their relationship to a liquid. I am a father, a husband, a thinker, a Jew, a writer (tbd?). I have a history of alcohol addiction. It is part of my medical chart, not my name tag. I readily and proudly accept this diagnostic historical moniker as it attests to my human experience and personal growth.”
“The goal of cancer treatment is to be ‘cancer-free,’ not to be a ‘chemo patient’ forever. The goal of recovery should be to recover—past tense. To move on. To graduate.
THE EVIDENCE
“Recovering” vs. “Recovered” Split: Even the title page of the Big Book says “The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism.” Yet the contemporary culture insists on “Recovering” (present progressive). It forbids the past tense.
Identity Theory: Psychology tells us that “identity foreclosure”—locking yourself into a single, rigid identity—limits growth. Being “The Alcoholic” forever prevents you from becoming “The Post-Alcoholic Growthseeker” or whatever actually floats
The Graduation Void: There is no graduation ceremony in AA. There is no point where they say, “Good job, you’re done, go forth and prosper!”
WHY THIS MATTERS
If you never graduate, you never fully reintegrate into the world. You remain a “special” case, separated by your disease.
Building your own frame means deciding that the “Recovery” chapter of your life has an ending, so the next chapter can begin.
It allows you to stop organizing your life around not drinking and start organizing it around living.
THE NOUN VS. THE VERB
The trap is in the noun. “I am an alcoholic.” It suggests ontology—essence.
The freedom is in the verb. “I used to drink too much.” “I cannot drink safely.”
Verbs describe actions. Nouns describe beings.
I accept the medical fact: My system processes ethanol abnormally/compulsively. I cannot drink for my own self-preservation.
But I reject the identity. I am not a “member of Alcoholics Anonymous.” I am a member of the human race who doesn’t drink.
THIS JEWISH LOBSTER GROWS
The Lobster molts.
It leaves the shell that protected it.
The 12-Step Program was my shell. It saved me from the predators when I was soft. I honor it. I respect it. I am grateful for it.
But I have grown. The shell is tight. It restricts my movement. It restricts my thinking.
To stay in it is to die.
So I cast it off.
Not to return to the exposed vulnerability of the past (drinkin’ ), but to grow a new, larger, more coherent, and flexible covering—one made of my own values, my own tradition, and my own reason.
INTEGRITY: THE ULTIMATE HIGHER POWER
In the end, this prologue isn’t about discounting or degrading AA in any way. It’s about loving Truth and Integrity as universal human virtues.
For the Jewish Lobster, intellectual integrity is non-negotiable.
We cannot say “I am powerless” when we know we have agency.
We cannot say “God removed my defects” when we know we did the work.
We cannot say “The book is perfect” when we see the flaws.
Sobriety without integrity is just a dry drunk.
Real recovery is the alignment of action and belief.
WHAT NOW?
Stop counting days. (Unless it helps you). You don’t count the days since you last had the flu. You’re just healthy.
Trust yourself. You have the data. You have the agency.
Engage your mind. Read. Argue. Think. Your brain is your best asset, not your enemy.
Live. The crisis is over. You don’t need to live in the cave. Go outside, live, and prosper.
This is the end of the prologue.
But it is the beginning of the rest of our lobster life, our BEST lobster life.
The Jewish Lobster Prologue is an 8-part series that examines recovery culture through systematic inquiry.
It’s for people who got sober but found the provided framework intellectually or culturally untenable.
Not therapy. Not a program. Not steps. Just tools for thinking about sobriety.
Written Winter 2026
